don't panic

I must admit, I have been remiss in posting -- especially considering I have so many photos from our voyages through Utah, but time has gotten away from me.  Also, I just realized I haven't discussed Chelsea -- all in good time. 

But now is just something simple.   It's turning out to be an interesting time of year -- for the most part, because I am headed back to school, but have yet to fully realize it.  Of course, filling out loan paperwork and realizing you haven't yet bought books (but have bought new pens and notebooks!) does bring it into sharper focus, but for the most part, I remain unaware. 

Today's mail brought a difficulty -- a miscommunication, that I will resolve tomorrow, but a scary miscommunication nonetheless.  Money related (the scariest kind of miscommunication).  I won't get into it, but suffice to say that it was unsettling.   I'm alone in the house now, as all three of my housemates are in the Outer Banks (not all together), and so I walked over to the couch and sat down, and started to pray. 

I looked up, and in the middle of the coffee table, was this: 

Wow.   I think it's rather neat when messages come in unexpected ways -- though I've never had it come via mug. 

growing strong

"Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.  For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be gree; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." 

--Jeremiah 17:7-8

Wow.   More of my thoughts on this later, but let's just say it's rather comforting.

figuring out the path

All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to his holy purpose. -Romans 8:28

Oddly enough, it's all falling together now.  I had a revelation in the shower the other day, which was quite profound, and I won't get into the entirety of it, but the main point was: Maybe this time was just to prepare you.

Wow.  This came like a thunderbolt at a time (in the shower, actually) when I was worried about money, funds, job, relationships -- in a word: everything.   This thought came to me -- one of calm, and the idea that my supply would be met, and that all of this time was not a waste: it was preparation for things to come. 

A few people have commented that they see the change in me, and I see the change in myself.  I'm not sure if I could actually put a name to it, but I know, in the deepest part of me, I have changed.  My faith has grown stronger, my spiritual sense more clear, and my trust in God more implicit.  

I have a job interview tomorrow.  I'm not nervous.  I might not get it, but for once I'm not worried.  In the past few days -- few hours! -- this demonstration of my path has unfolded so clearly before me that I know that if this is not the right step, the next one will appear.   I have heard the voice behind me saying "this is the way, walk ye in it." (Isaiah 30:21) and my path is clear.  

Who knows what my next step will be - and after this time in the wilderness, I do not presume to know what it will be! - but I am sure it will be exactly what I need, at exactly the right time. 

p.s. mom took this photo at the japanese gardens in s.f.  I love it.

summit, saints & sinners.

This past weekend was the Christian Science "youth activist" (whatever that means) Summit in DC.  It's basically a get-together for CS kids 12-30, to see lectures, go to workshops, and meet other kids.  I went to one in Chicago this past October, which was surprisingly fantastic.  

Also, it gave me an excuse to be tourist-y!

I probably should have expected connections with people, but since Chicago was remiss in connections from my past, I assumed I would fly relatively under the radar at DC as well.  However, no less than five people upon hearing my name said something to the effect of: "You know, I know a Hummel family in California."   Turns out, conveniently, they meant my family!  Small world.  

Also, since very good friends of ours were throwing a "Saints & Sinners" party in Gettysburg, us Gettysburgians headed up -- armed with nerdy costumes, as this was no ordinary party.  To begin with, our ride up consisted of: 

Of course, there were the requisite "sexy" devils and angels, but we demand more creativity than sparkling devil horns and tail.  Josh went as Sisyphus, with our friend Tom as "a rock."   

My friend Mike was dressed as a post-modern Judas ("You know, like Jesus Christ Superstar") and, at midnight, walked over to his friend dressed as Jesus, kissed him on the cheek, and had Josh hand him a bag full of coins.  Mike then wandered off to the bathroom to make a noose, and Jesus was dragged off, dead, to another room.  

Moments later, as Becky and I were observing the situation, I turned, looking for Jesus, but he was not there.  Becky squealed: "He's risen!" and we just fell apart.  

Wonderful.

nothin' but the rain

can't you see that it's just rainin'

ain't no need to go outside

It is actually raining tonight, so Jack Johnson seems apropos.  It's a strange feeling, having rain last for a day -- or days.  Maybe it's the Californian in me, that would always hope that the short bursts of rain we would get would last for the day.  

Of course, they never did, but now that I'm in the East, I still marvel at the fact that a rainstorm could possibly last for so long.  There's still this excited thrill that it still rains, after hours, and deep down, I hope it continues. 

I've been relatively spiritual and introspective recently, and frankly, I see no reason to stop now.  I need this catharsis (or something) of writing it all down and putting a spotlight on my life, because if I don't, I feel I won't see what I need to see to move forward. 

Today I'm working with this idea of patience.   I'm always working with patience.  I'm a very impatient person.   When the family decided to have "spiritual missions" for each trip, everyone picked lovely things like "seeing the Christ in others," but I had no such poetic flights.  I am impatient, ergo I chose patience as my spiritual mission.  This was back in 2005, and I'm still impatient, so it's still my mission.  Theoretically.  

Cue the present day, and my patience is being tried daily.  It's not for bad things either: it's things that I need to be patient and trust that someone else (God) knows my way better than I do.  But I'm still impatient.  I would like to, for example, have a job right now.  I would also like to know where I will live in a few months.

In the past few days, thanks to a well-timed phone call from Mom, I stood back and re-evaluated.  I started -- actually, inadvertantly! -- to really see the happiness and joy that comes from waiting to see something unfold. 

Perhaps most apparent to me, I followed the "calm, strong currents of true spirituality" (S&H 99:23) and let quite a bit of anxiety about relationships go.  I'm looking situations in the eye, and instead of fretting over the next step, declaration, or move, I'm finding myself pleasantly surprised and genuinely pleased with the gradual advances.

Also, after being a bit petrified about where I would hang my hat come June 1st, I just had a lovely housing opportunity arise, which would mean living with wonderful, sweet friends, and cooking delicious meals together.  What bliss!

I don't know where any of these will lead, but being accepting of the pace (for once!), and enjoying the journey certainly makes it more lovely.

unexpected beauty in the wilderness

flowershop 3

Originally uploaded by hummeline

This photograph makes me so happy. I took it in Berkeley, when Mum & I went to visit a friend of mine, who works in an outdoor flower shop. It was so full of color, and bunched together in mildly haphazard ways that it made me smile.

I like to have a little bit of California spring as I'm waiting for spring to arrive here in Virginia. Fortunately, the past few days have been promising, and all the pear and cherry trees have begun to bloom, including the tiny ones on my little street.

Spring has always been a time of change for me, as it meant a sad goodbye to college friends, and a joyous reunion with family, but now it is even more.

I have had my time in the wilderness.

WILDERNESS. Loneliness, doubt; darkness. Spontaneity of thought & idea; the vestibule in which a material sense of things disappears, and spiritual sense unfolds the great facts of existence. --S&H p. 597

I like the double definitions (they crop up occasionally) because it makes you re-think a situation. Yes, the first thought when you're thrown into the wilderness is those senses of loneliness, doubt and darkness. But -- and this shows up someone is sent into the wilderness is in the Bible (Hagar, Exodus, Jacob, David, Jesus... to name a few), all ones needs are provided for.

And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she had a place prepared of God -- Rev. 12:6

Once those needs are provided for (which removes the fear), this second half of the definition comes up. It provides this space -- vestibule! -- for that spontaneity of thought. A few months ago, this idea popped into my head that, during this time of wilderness, I should not be asking: What am I missing? but instead: What am I now being given the opportunity to do?

I'm not saying I'm completely without fear of the future. I almost broke down, very scared, in the shower yesterday. The wilderness is not meant to be easy. It is still meant to be a time of trials, but trials that lead to a greater understanding. I just have to remember to trust.

The proverbial seeds sown all along the road include the seeds that fall into good soil and bear fruit "an hundredfold," but it is only with patience that they bring forth fruit.

a new path?

steps to the sky
Originally uploaded by hummeline

What's frustrating to me is that the moment I think things are going incredibly well -- graduate school applications are all in, did fantastically on GREs, a date with a boy -- it flies up in my face. 

Well, not the latter two.  I still have a date for tomorrow (more later) and my GRE scores still stand.  However, I've received my second rejection letter from a graduate school.  Sadly: my top choice.  I am still waiting for 2 more letters.  We shall see.

That being said, I received the (terse) letter, and promptly shouted (I was alone in the house): Ok, God, if this isn't where I'm supposed to go, you probably have something fantastic cooked up!  Don't be fooled, it was said in frustration, but it was literally the first thought that crossed my mind.  The second: Read your Lesson. 

I can take a hint.

So the Lesson -- for those non-Christian Scientists, its a selection of readings from the Bible and a book by our founder, called Science & Health with Key to the Scriptures -- this week is on Man, so already a winner.  It's also all about light, and moving out from the darkness, and shining.  

Some excerpts:

The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. -- Romans 13:12

If we wish to follow Christ, Truth, it must be in the way of God's appointing. -- S&H 326:3

It really brought home the fact that, no matter what I think my path should be, God knows what it is.  This is not to say I accept this wholeheartedly.  No matter how logical I think "trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)  is, because I have seen it work, it takes something more to hand all those feelings and expectations over to God.

I'm workin' on it.  

Now, I'm just going to head to bed, listen to the rainstorm outside, and count down the hours until tomorrow --  the National Gallery awaits!

desire is prayer

What lovely inspiration I just found, from Science & Health with Key to the Scriptures:

"Desire is prayer; and no loss can occur from trusting God with our desires, that they may be moulded and exalted before they take form in words and in deeds" - pg. 1

Wow. So simple. This finding follows up a phone call from my Aunt that was unexpected and most welcome. It's all more encouragement to trust in God, and realization that I am slowly seeing my path unfold before me.